Journal Entry #3

By Vani P Nair -


 JAN 28TH FRIDAY 2022

Some days are confusing. The weather is confusing, the temperature is confusing, sometimes the destinations are also confusing. The past three weeks felt like Summer and today its windy. I could feel dust beneath my feet despite the fact that Amma had moped the whole house. It irritates her. I worked online today. I can find more and more greys in her hair with every passing day. Time has an obvious as well as insidious presence in our lives. It is rarely that you experience the latter. Today was one of those days when I had an excruciating awareness of it. 

I've been staring at the screen for a long time after writing the first paragraph. It seems I have run out of ideas to write. It is as if there is a pause in my existence. How do you write about pauses? The feeling of being the only stagnant thing even while time is taking everything else forward in its torrential flow. It is both a privilege and a curse. I can find dust accumulated between the keys in my laptop. A thin film of light brown over silver. But I feel too lazy to even make an effort to clean it. I should probably delete this.  But what is the point. These entries are not meant to create an impression on anyone. I don't know what to call these random pieces of writing. Lets call it an activity in introspection. Yuck! sounds so not me. 

I started using drawing pencils to underline important points in my textbook. Couldn't find a better use for them. They were growing mouldy sitting inside that broken cup on my table upstairs. I was afraid of contracting some kind of skin infection when I started writing with it. So, as a precaution I wiped it clean on the curtains in my room. If Amma notices it, I am gone for good. My eyes also fell on my blank drawing book. I had spent about three hours wandering around the town to locate that shop from which I had bought it. It stands in my favourite part of the city. If you walk along the road to the north you can see the college of fine arts. 

I have always wanted to visit that college. Several years ago, on a Sunday, I did venture within the walls of that campus. It was locked for obvious reasons. I liked it better in its emptiness. There was no other human soul around. I walked around a bit and saw several broken sculptures scattered on the muddy ground towards the rear of the campus. I should remove the yellow sticky notes stuck to the wall opposite to where I am sitting right now. It is beginning to make me anxious for some reason. There is an alluring aspect to travelling to places far away. But I cannot actually do that right now for two reasons. One is that I find the whole process cumbersome. But, if I remember right, I wasn't always like that. As a kid I loved going to places. The second and the most important reason is that I am BROKE. Sigh........


 

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