Journal Entry #2

By Vani P Nair -


 JAN 12TH WEDNESDAY 2022

CLUSTERFUCK!!!!! 

I cannot think of a better word to describe the past Sunday. Whenever I have let others take decisions for me in my life, it has more often than not turned out terribly. This was just one among those classic instances. The very thought of it disturbs me viscerally. I don't wanna talk about it. But, what really struck me is how perceptive my parents are. I had braced myself for the volley of questions awaiting me from my parents. Even as a child I used to share every little incident with both my parents. Actually, I used to talk with mum more, considering she was the one readily available. She would always be there awaiting my return every evening from school and later college. Unlike other mothers she wouldn't rush me into doing my homework. She loved listening to me speak about my teachers, friends, enemies, and several such insignificant things. Sometimes I would feel that she was living vicariously through me. Growing up I became more and more convinced of this actuality. She would push me into doing all those things that she wanted to do as a youngster, and which she knew I would equally enjoy. 

It was on the weekends that I got to talk with my dad. He was more of a speaker than a listener. He did not have patience for the myriad insignificant tales from my student life. Nor was he concerned about my interest in the topics he chose to discuss with me on those long night walks. But the truth was that I was greatly benefited from these seemingly boring conversations. After every single evening stroll with him, I returned home a bit wiser than I was when I left. He was my personal preceptor when it came to matters of general knowledge. Whatever little stuff I gleaned from these intense weekly conversations helped me come across as an extremely informed student among my peers. There were times when I felt like an imposter. But those rare moments of applause and admiring glances from my friends made it absolutely worth the guilt. 

Coming back to where I left off in the first paragraph, so...I come home and my parents ask me if everything was alright. I didn't have the heart to tell them that I screwed up big time. Therefore, under the pretext of an excruciating headache, I excused myself to my room, took a long shower and curled up in my bed with Wilbur Smith's "Warlock". The book proved to be an amazing distraction, much required to keep me from beating myself up mentally. I finished reading all of the 693 pages of that tome today. It has put me in a good mood and I even treated myself to a tall glass of kulfi falooda to celebrate the occasion. These small victories in life deserve to be celebrated just as much as the big ones. It's raunchy, earthy, and wild. There were chapters that gave me goosebumps, instances that made my ovaries explode, episodes that unabashedly summoned tears and pages that gave me pure adrenaline rush. I did not rush through this book at all. I savored every word, phrase, sentence and paragraph like my favourite candy. That is all for today. I am sure there are a lot of other stuff to write about....... but I've got to get some other stuff done for my work. They pay me peanuts, but still I've got to do my part. Like dad always says, "work is worship". 








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